That's right, I saw The fucking Smurfs in 3D on opening weekend. Why did I do it? I don't know, maybe for the same reason everyone likes watching snuff films all the time. What, everyone doesn't like watching snuff films? Well everyone doesn't like watching The Smurfs in 3D either, so you see, they're exactly the same.
I'm sure I don't need to explain that I didn't watch the Smurfs cartoon as a child, because I doubt that people who did watch the Smurfs cartoon are going to enjoy this very horrifying film. Here's what I gathered right away about some of the main characters:
- Clumsy Smurf - unsympathetic
- Brainy Smurf - not actually that smart
- Papa Smurf - 546 years old
- Smurfette - female
- Scottish Smurf - basically Shrek
- Passive-Aggressive Smurf - really?
Oh and please don't get me started on Gargamel. The creative decision to have him played by an actual human is so fucking disturbing, Yes, Smurfette's dress gets lifted up by an air conditioning vent and then it cuts to a medium shot from her waist up with the skirt flying WAY up, while she moans, "Ooh, that wasn't supposed to happen!" for like a solid minute. Somehow the most disgusting part is the choice of medium shot, because it suggests that something is being cropped out. As if they had to use a medium shot because the wide shot was too explicit. Except that it's animation, so it was obviously done on purpose, and it was probably supposed to be funny for this exact reason. It's also not great when Scottish Smurf runs over to the air vent and lets it blow up his kilt so he can "air out the Scottish forests" or something horrible like that. Not making this up.
Meanwhile, Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays portray an expecting couple who end up with all the Smurfs living in their house, popping out of the fucking toilet and swimming all up in their coffee. THIS IS NOT OKAY. The humans' transition from horror to delight is so fast it's impossible not to assume that they've gone batshit crazy and in a minute Papa Smurf is going to tell them that the only way the Smurfs can return to Smurf world is if they kill the President. That's just how these situations look from the perspective of the wacko, do you see what I'm saying?The movie also tries to connect the dots between loving the Smurfs and feeling ready to become a new parent. You know, because Neil Patrick Harris yells at the Smurfs for messing stuff up, and that's what having kids is like! You have to stay cool because kids are unpredictable! Just like the Smurfs! On the other hand, Papa Smurf is in his sixth century of life and still doesn't know what Google is, so trying to reach some kind of understanding there feels very pointless to me.
Other highlights from this movie (that I'm not making up) include:
- Gargamel goes to prison
- Smurfette played by Katy Perry says "I kissed a Smurf and I liked it"
- The Smurfs rapping "Walk This Way" while Neil Patrick Harris plays Guitar Hero
- Gargamel hits a porta-potty for some "dark magic"
- Azrael the CGI cat licking his ass
- "Is a Smurf's butt blue?" - Papa Smurf
I left the theater for about 15 minutes to call Dan because I couldn't handle life anymore, and afterwards David told me, "You missed a lot of stuff while you were gone. Gargamel met Sofia Vergara's mom and gave her magical implants." I didn't ask for any further information about that because I am sure that's all I need to know.Finally, I have to mention that I initially put my foot down and refused to see The Smurfs in 3D because, you know, that would be crossing some kind of line in bad taste, but because of our schedule we got suckered into a 3D showing. About 20 minutes into the movie I just took off the stupid glasses and watched the rest of the movie out of focus because it was less painful than regarding the lovingly rendered Smurf skin textures which included pores and micro body hairs.
I also drew this picture in the dark during the movie:
There, I just saved you $20 and 102 minutes of your life. You're welcome!